Active Waiting - What's it look like?

It's an oxymoron. Sometimes it seems impossible. One of my favorite bloggers Anj has written recently about Active Waiting here and here, and the term has stuck in my brain. I don't think I have as deep an understanding of the term as she does, but the tension of the words has stuck with me.

I feel called to waiting, to trusting. It's hard. My husband has been out of work again since the end of July, hasn't worked much since the tech downturn first hit us 3 1/2 years ago. He is hurt and discouraged. I don't know how to help him.

I was a software engineer - a long time ago, before kids. I'm torn between being willing to work, to help with our income - and still wanting to be home with the kids, still having those reasons for not working - and now having 11 year out-of-date skills in a job-market full of hungry, unemployed and up-to-date workers. The jewelry business is fun and emotionally/artistically satisfying - but it won't pay the mortgage or the health insurance bills, and I have to be careful that it doesn't interfere too much with my primary role of mom.

This time of year is stressful. I want that dream Christmas thing - clean, cozy house, warm fires, relaxed time spent with good friends, and most especially - deep and spiritually meaningful times with my family. Too many times in the past I have allowed the busyness and stress of this time of year to push much of my way of showing I care about the people in my life into spending money on thoughtful and special gifts or experiences. But I couldn't do that this year, I've been trying hard to stay on a budget. And our lives have been more hectic and busy than ever. The house is just the way it has been for the last months, disorganized and chaotic. This is not the Christmas of my women's magazine dreams.

So I'm trying to find that place of waiting, of active waiting, not resigned waiting. Advent. Anticipation. Last year Real Live Preacher's Advent story helped me a lot with this, I miss that (can't wait to see his second book with that story!). But the anticipation is harder this year, because we are so discouraged about what lies ahead, hope is harder to come by. I wonder if Mary was scared and uncertain of what lay ahead for her and her family during that first Advent?

Today I spent time reading about UC extension courses, and considering getting some education to bring my skills more up-to-date. I'm searching for career areas that might have the possibility of part-time work. And I'm trying to walk that fine line of helping and encouraging my husband, without nagging. I'm praying. I'm trying to understand what active waiting should look like in my life - trusting without doing nothing, waiting without giving up. But I'm scared, and I'm not at all sure that I've got it right.

Update 10:26am: I woke late this morning (I shouldn't allow myself to post so late at night, for many reasons...) to run through my morning blog check, and found that this morning RLP posted his Christmas story!! It will be there until the end of this year, yeah!!