OK, so I may be able to catch those waves of energy on some days, but on some days the tide is so still and shallow.
I hate housework. I have so many deep and painful emotions surrounding housework, that to choose to do most simple chores is like peeling a scab back and digging around in sore places once again. I hate that. So I try to trick myself. I set small goals, I turn on the music loudly, I try to think about other things. But it's a lonely, lonely process. Sometimes my husband works with me, and for a short time that is wonderful - then the painfulness of the emotions buried within me begin to overtake my thoughts and our interactions, and I have to walk away from it. I hate that. Friends have offered to help, but again the shame is so powerful that the few times I have actually tried to work with friends on my "stuff", we haven't gotten very far. I hate that.
You probably can sense here that I have a slight problem with housework and shame, and probably with my attitude about it all, as well. I have spent years trying to understand the "hows" of housecleaning (you should see my bookshelf crammed with "how to" manuals for housecleaning), and years trying to understand the "whys", as well. I don't think I am really any closer to answers, and I am deeply disappointed that this is still a struggle. This is one of the major reasons that I resonate so strongly with the descriptions of what it's like to be ADD, those stories of chronic disorganization are the first I've heard of that really seem similar to mine.
Can I share something that I've been thinking about a lot recently? I have friends who, when I share about this struggle, say to me "Oh - I struggle with the same thing! We all hate housework!" But when I see their houses, and almost invariably they are beautifully clean and organized, or at least fairly so, I think "No - you don't know what I struggle with!!!!!" Now I know we all have struggles, and I appreciate their attempts (honest, even) at empathy. But the result is just more discouragement for me. 'Cause if what we struggle with is the same thing - then the way I see it, it means that I must just be a loser and a failure. Ugh. I've just confessed all kinds of layers of bad attitude here, I'm sure. Forgive me.
Well, I think it's time to go take an Advil for the headache that all of this has given me, and go face another one of those piles of papers that I need to sort through. I have cousins who I care about deeply and rarely get to see who will be coming through town in a couple of weeks. I really want to see them, and they may want to come here to visit us (or we might meet at another family member's house, I'm not sure yet). Goals like this are usually the only way I finally get motivated to do something about my messes (pure desperation). I've got a really long way to go, though, this time. And with this house now housing a full family of 4, with lot's of interests, hobbies, and toys, there isn't the room to just hide the "stuff" any more...
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2 comments:
Wow.
For fear of sounding like your friends with clean homes, because believe me mine isn't sparkling, I can understand. I grew up in house that was rarely if ever cleaned unless I did it. I was very bitter about it and angry and my house has always showed for it.
One of the biggest helpers to me in this has been God, and my desire to keep the home that He has given me clean enough that He would want to visit in it. Another big thing has been routine. I try to do at least two or three things every day around the house, with minor pick up and put away as I walk by something. It's been a very very difficult habit to create, but each day it gets a little bit easier.
My family has been supportive of this struggle, and that has helped immensely, but mostly it was will power to do right by my family, and my God that helped me. There were alot of failed attempts, and still are, but it's getting there. I'm not embarassed by how my home looks anymore and that, to me is a huge thing.
we are kindred here, even with the add christine. thank you for your honesty. what is working for us is LESS - less of everything.
that show 'clean sweep' is how we used to live - no joke, but we have slowly clean swept ourselves, a piece at a time, and redemption is happening.
we also know that if it doesn't have a 'home' it won't get put away. our home is filled with old trunks and chests - dump zones for toys - and only enough toys to actually fit into the storage - when something new comes in something old goes out.
we have blessed many families with our clean sweeping efforts. have you heard of www.freecycle.com
you list stuff in an email and the first person to claim it and come pick it up gets it. you can't believe how quickly things go.
i have real baggage with cleaning too, it was a punishment in my house, and as the first born with a sick mother far more was put on my shoulders than ever should have been. our family shame runs deep too. we could never have help with any of it, and we also never were taught to CLEAN, just to tidy - throw everything in closets and boxes to get it out of site - so on the surface our shame couldn't be seen.
see, you're digging deep with this post for me. thank you.
i still hate that everything gets 'undone' so quickly - and it never ends.
having less to pick up has really been the answer for us. 5 people (3 adults) living in a small home it was necessary to simplify (and it is a spiritual discipline, so that helped a lot.)
i hear your pain christine and i will be praying for you as i face my own mess here. god's peace.
also - file boxes - the cardboard kind - write the kid's name and grade on it - and all the paper they generate goes in - never to be seen again until they are clean sweeping years from now - the paper grows out of control otherwise. it's worked wonders for us, and the kids feel honored because we keep their stuff, and every so often when they're bored they pull it out and look through it, see how far they've come.
and another affect of restoring order is that i am less distracted (with the add) than i am in a disaster zone. and we look at freecycle as tithing away those things that will bless others - part of the giving cycle.
we have never once missed anything we've passed on (and we've even gained some great things on freecycle ourselves.
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