Dissident

adj 1: characterized by departure from accepted beliefs or standards
2: disagreeing, especially with a majority
n : a person who dissents from some established policy.

I first looked up what this word meant last year when it seemed like everyone was reading "The Dance of the Dissident Daughter" (which I've still not read). Then bobbie mentioned it again a few days ago and it has really stayed in my mind.

The changes that I have gone through in the last few years have been life-giving for me, for to deny the questions that plague me would be a kind of death. Yet it has been hard to talk about much of this with people at church, and I have walked in a measure of fear of other people's opinions. I think it is time for me to risk expressing what I am thinking, feeling and believing in a more concrete way.

Tomorrow I am having lunch with my church's Children's Pastor, to talk about Children's Ministry at our church and about how I might be more involved in helping her. I am praying for the ability to express to her clearly my changing beliefs and faith struggles, and my fears about how they may impact the work that she has asked me to consider doing. Somehow, I do not think that she will be unduly shocked at my dissident views, but it is still a huge challenge to consider trying to verbalize and summarize what I want to tell her. Her husband is the pastor who asked me to consider praying more at church, so this is in effect the beginning of that conversation as well.

I can imagine all kinds of ways in which my pastor might be disappointed in my views and choices, based mostly on how I would have viewed them myself in years past. But it's not very honoring of her if I project opinions onto her before actually talking to her. So I'm praying for peace and clarity.

Update 06-09-05: We had a very nice lunch and discussion. We are looking at ways that I can help her more with kids ministry stuff in a way that I am comfortable doing where I am at. It was a very encouraging discussion.