I am not invisible

I think I've talked before about my feelings of being invisible in many social situations. Don't worry - I don't mean psychopathically! But that all-too-familiar feeling that comes most often when I look back at a social interaction and realize that I felt invisible, not aware of being seen or heard, not sensing that the other(s) in the situation were really aware of my presence. This can happen to me even in one-on-one conversations, when the evidence is clear that the other person saw me! I'm pretty sure that I'm not alone in feeling this sensation, which I believe is rooted in low self-esteem, though I don't really know how many other people feel this.

Today I was talking to a trusted friend about this (who does also know this feeling). We talked about how it is linked to rejection and for us, it started in our experiences of being overweight as young girls. She mentioned the feeling of sitting in class with her hand up, and being ignored as teams were picked - looking at her hand and thinking "what, am I invisible?". I think that even deeper inside than that kind of direct experience of "being invisible", my sensation of being invisible is a coping mechanism to avoid the possibility of the pain of rejection. More than something others do to me, it is my own negative adaptation that persists beyond the situations where "teams are being picked" and into any social situation where I am not already completely secure in my feelings of acceptance.

So what to do with this? I have heard the message many times through my Christian life that I should not be feeling this way. That if I truly grasped the grace and love and acceptance that Jesus offers me, these feelings of low self-esteem would not, could not persist. As I am a "visual image" thinker, I usually responded to such a message by "seeing" in my mind a picture of Jesus as a loving man, reaching out to hug me - though the picture didn't really reach me, rather I was represented in the visualization by some image of myself. But these "mind pictures" or caricatures do not work any more, do not reach the inner me that is working to know God, to seek and walk in truth.

Today I realized how much I appreciate the language that women like Anj and Steph often use when they write about seeking God - that of "being in the Light". When I think of being in the Light, I don't imagine caricatures or masks - there is no hiding in the Light, no darkness, no way to be invisible. I am known as I am: overweight, middle-aged, sometimes loving, sometimes selfish, sometimes smart, sometimes stupid. To know that I am loved in the Light - what an amazing thing!

So I have decided that part of my daily spiritual practice will be to choose to be in the Light, and to practice knowing I am visible to other people, to remember who and where I am. I am a physical, emotional and spiritual being, and I am here. I am not perfect, and I may be rejected by people. Can I risk the possibility of rejection as the price of inhabiting my own body?

I am not invisible.