I want to not be tired and worn out.
I want to not lose my temper when I come home from being gone for an hour late in the evening to find my girls and grandpa watching a movie which I assume they must have started much earlier, before their dad/son left for a meeting, only to find out much later that they must have just started right before I got home, and then hurting grandpa’s feelings because I am so upset that my girls broke all the rules and manipulated their way into staying up an hour and half past bedtime on a day when everyone is already fighting colds and need all the sleep they can get.
I want to not be frustrated with everyone in my family.
I want to not be worried about my mother, undergoing daily radiation treatment and fighting exhaustion brought on by other underlying health problems combined with the radiation, fighting the exhaustion brought on by a doctor mistakenly not believing that this other underlying condition could be responsible for a few hours of disorientation and his temporary (probably, hopefully, almost assuredly mistaken) fear that cancer had spread to her brain and our fears that cancer had spread to her brain.
I want to not be tired and worn out.
I want to not be overweight, always tired, a messy housekeeper, a procrastinator, and too often grumpy.
Did I mention that I’d like to not be tired and worn out?
I want to be above all worries about money, health and relationships.
I want peace and joy and happiness, with liberal doses of laughter.
But really,
I want to come to peace with the life I have, which is not necessarily the life I thought I would have.
I want to accept reality, live in reality (even with worries about money, health and relationships), and love.
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7 comments:
I hear you, I am glad you can write your wants.
This is the best post in the universe. I feel you like a mother beeper. Feel me? I am so stressed right now about all those things, just do a little contexual adjustments, and im right there w/ u.
It's so irritating. Trying to worship God, trying to live as Christ, to love as we want to be loved.. while juggling emotions, desires, pains, worries, stress, exhaustion, time limits, all kinds of crap. im so pissed i could go on and on. i hope this doesnt make it worse, let it be known that you are not alone. i am so thankful you posted this because it lets me know I am not alone. I need more breaks man. I need a super spiritual oasis of a break. Peace doesn't come easy any more man. But I still have hope, thank God. Here's to a better future, eh? I now think of Abraham. That dude must have been pissed of a lot. I wonder if he had some times w/ the ol bottle. Surely he wasn't perfect w/ his patience. And Jesus gave grace... let us burn w/in our soul w/ the enemy would rather tear us down w/ accusations and destructive crap. Screw him dude. He can kiss my arse. God help us.
Thanks, anj, for hearing me.
Danae - it is nice to know that I am not alone, but I am sorry that you are feeling this too, I wouldn't wish this kind of stress on anyone... Usually I am able to cling to the hope of good resolution, of God's grace - but sometimes it is hard to remember...
yes. hey i'm sorry if i vented too much. sometimes i never know when to say what. but i trust u took it well.
thanks again for writing that post. :)
great post chris! verballizing our wants is the first step to asking for what we need.
i remember reading a book about investing years ago that talked about 'paying yourself first' - i wonder how that could translate into our own lives in caring for ourselves and our wants and needs and not just other peoples?? hmmm, something to think about.
I was thinking similar thoughts this morning--about how easy it is to be discontent and how often I let the stuff I want steal the joy from the stuff I have (and I don't just mean materially.)
Thanks for all your comments (and you didn't vent too much, Danae!). I've struggled with leaving this post up because it feels selfish, once I am away from the emotions of the moment that I wrote it... but it's staying, if nothing else as a reminder to me of that moment and some of the extremes of my feelings. Which will return, but now seem in excess when viewed from some distance...
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