Resolutions Update

Since I so boldly posted that I was going to make some New Year's Resolutions this year, I figured I should come clean with how I'm doing with them. The answer: good and bad.

My first resolution was to get more regular sleep. Hah! I have rarely gone to bed before midnight since the beginning of the year, and often much later. I agreed with my counselor that I would try to keep a diary of when I go to sleep each night, and she wanted me to write down what I was doing, what I was thinking, and what I was feeling, as well as the time. I haven't done that very consistently either - but I have learned a lot from what I have done. My sleep habits are like a barometer of how I am feeling about myself, and when I stay awake late it is usually because I am trying to avoid thinking about all the things that I have left undone in my life, or the things that I am feeling shameful about.

It has been so good for me to face this - while I've known intellectually that this is why I stay up late, I didn't know-know it, if you know what I mean! I am working on facing this aspect of the "voice of shame" that tries to control my life, remembering that most people probably do go to sleep with things undone in their lives, with situations unresolved. Resolution number two (to pray more regularly) has helped in this area tremendously, as I have often gone to the Northumbria Community website to pray the evening office. What a gift that website, and those prayers, are! An excerpt:

"Lord, You have always given
peace for the coming day;
and though of anxious heart,
today I believe."

Their language is simple, unpretentious, and cuts straight to the heart. It's absolutely perfect for me right now.

I'm not even worrying about resolutions Three and Four (eat better, exercise more) right now, my focus is on sleeping more regularly, and praying more. Prayer has become a very meaningful thing for me again, as I am working on resting in who God has called me to be, in where He has placed me. This is not the "laundry list" prayers of much of the last few years, the "Dear God, I'm struggling to still believe in you, and if you are there and can hear me - please help me with 'such and such'" prayers. This is the "Oh God, I come to you, I give you my anxiety, my fear, my hopes and dreams. These things I worry about are bigger than me, beyond my comprehension or ability to solve - but I give them to you, and sit at your feet" kind of prayers.

There is more that I want to say, ideas that flit-fluttered through my brain like a butterfly... but I stayed up way to late last night and I'm not thinking very clearly! This "sleep thing" is obviously very much still a work in progress... I'll just stop now and try again some other time - hopefully after a little more sleep.