Another layer off the onion

Well, it's been three weeks since my last cup of leaded coffee. I'm not completely caffeine-free, as I still have some tea and the occasional coke, but these do not come anywhere near the level of coffee drinking that I was indulging in. Indulging in? It was more like a desperate dependency, a vicious cycle of addiction. Drink coffee, get tired out, drink more coffee, get tired out, don't get enough sleep, get up in the morning so tired out and drained that I had to drink more coffee just to wake up... Rinse, repeat. For years.

My doctor was right. I do feel better after stopping that endless loop.

The really amazing thing to me is the emotional cleansing that giving up my coffee addiction seems to be bringing. It's another layer off the onion of hiding. I am continually faced with the reality of my body and my emotions. If I stay up too late and don't get enough sleep - when I get up in the morning, the reality is that I am tired. I can't hide from that by craving coffee and using it to stimulate myself past that tiredness. I have to face the fact that I AM tired, and live with it. If I am stressed and anxious - I can't just run to Peet's for a quick latte fix as a way to sooth my jangled nerves and hide from the reality of my stress.

I am not at all confident that I will be able to keep living longterm without coffee. I love it, and I still miss it. But I am also loving experiencing a deeper level of honesty with myself, and that has a powerful draw.